A burning thought in the heart of most parents these days is, “How can I become an intentional parent?” For me, effective communication is key to building long-lasting relationships with our kids. But even that has become a buzzword, and we often don’t really understand what it means. A vital part of communication is “seeking to understand,” which can be achieved by asking questions. However, asking a question doesn’t guarantee a response, let alone an honest one. Take this conversation, for instance:
Me: “Hey Zee, how was your day?”
Z: “Fine.”
As a mum of boys, I often find myself whining to friends and family about the monosyllabic responses I get when I try to talk to my boys about, well … anything!
“Why can’t they just talk to me?”
We could debate the differences between boys and girls and how they like to communicate, but one thing is universally true: how a parent frames a question determines how and when it gets answered.
Shaping Questions: Manipulation or Communication?
In the struggle to connect with my children as a working mum, I have come to prioritise quality time over quantity time. One of the times I have chosen to prioritise has been those few moments after school pickups when you pick up your little ones, and they are happy to see you or when you return from work and are greeted with excited hugs at the door … of course before we get hit with the loving ignore-your-mom era of teenage years. I am committed to connecting with my boys, and I imagine you are committed to connecting with your kids if you are reading this.
I often wonder if shaping questions to elicit specific responses is manipulative. This might be true in adult relationships to a large extent, but with kids, asking the right questions, how we ask them, and when we ask them are key. In my struggle to connect with my children as a working mum, I’ve learned to prioritise quality time over quantity. One of the best moments I have chosen to prioritise is right after school pickups or when I return from work and am greeted with excited hugs—of course, before we get hit with the loving ignore-your-mom era of teenage years. Until then, I am committed to connecting with my boys, and I imagine you are too.
Asking the Right Questions
What are the right questions? You may wonder. Isn’t it enough that you asked? No, I’ve found more success asking my kids about specific events I knew would happen in their day rather than the generic “How was school?” Here are some alternates:
- What was the most interesting thing that happened today?
- Who missed school today?
- Who was naughty at school today? (This one gets my 6-year-old talking!)
- Who did you play with at school today?
- Did you answer any questions in class?
- Did you do anything exciting?
- What made you happy today?
- What made you sad?
- What did you want to do that you didn’t get to do?
You don’t need to bombard your kids with all these questions. These are designed to get them thinking and give you insight into their day. For teenagers, if they’re willing to talk, that’s a win. Adapt these questions to suit them, and make sure to listen, even if they launch into an unending tale you have no interest in. Paying attention signals to your child that you care about them and their lives.
How to Ask the Right Questions
If you’re an African or Asian parent, like I am, you might think it’s your God-given right to get answers from your children. While cultural practices vary, remember that people forget what you did for them but not how you made them feel. So, for kids, consider using the right tone of voice. Younger kids respond to sing-song tones, while older ones respond to genuine interest. Avoid threats and confrontations; if getting to know someone feels like a chore or punishment, it loses its appeal.
Building Relationships Through Questions
Ultimately, questions are conversation starters and useful in building relationships with kids and adults. The connection is more seamless when people answer a question that leads to sharing about their lives. By asking good questions, you model the right way to develop relationships. While I haven’t completely mastered having insightful conversations with my three boys, each conversation brings us closer, and I often get unsolicited follow-ups to questions I asked earlier.
What questions have you found effective in connecting with your kids? Share your experiences in the comments below!
